2003-09-05 - 10:09 a.m.
Originally posted: 2002-11-12 - 2:21 p.m.
Me and my friend Sarah were talking the over night about relationship issues and dissecting why my last few relationships have not worked out. She asked me about my relationship with my mother and I had to admit that is a sticky subject for me. I actually have very little memory of my birth mother, Cathy, from before my parents divorced when I as in 4th grade. And consider my step-mom, Cindy, as my true mother figure. But according to Sarah my feelings toward woman and relationships were already laid down prior to Cindy coming into my life and I'm in denial to say otherwise :p So with that in mind I did a bit of thinking over the weekend and here is what I came up with. My greatest fear in a relationship is abandonment. First though before I elaborate on this let me lay down some background.
Like I already mentioned my parent's divorced when I was in 4th grade (side note, for the life of me I do not recall how old I was, I of course could figure it out, but all my memories in life are more tied to what year of school I was in instead of how old I was). Though I did not know it at the time, Cathy had been having an affair with some truck driver. What I do remember is my dad, who NEVER yells or raises his voice, having shouting arguments with Cathy and seeing him crying at odd times. Like many children in a divorce I assumed it was my fault, and started a long term retreat into books. My dad moved out of the house and I was left with my sister, Sherry and Cathy. Well Cathy could not keep up with the house payments and we made the first of many moves over the next year, first out to Cathy's boyfriend's house that was in the same town (Simi Valley) where all other things considered it was not too bad. But once Cathy and her bf broke up we moved to a pretty bad area of Van Nuys. Where being smart and a bit on the shy side I became the nature target for the bullies. Then to a slightly better area in Reseda, where I met my first girlfriend (I was in 5th grade). She moved away and soon after I went to live with my Dad and Cindy in a better part of Reseda. From here on out my home life was much more stable but I remained shy and a bit of a bookworm. Soon after this (around 7th grade) is disowned Cathy and informed her I no longer wanted to see or talk to her. By this point I had learned the truth about the divorce and realized how much she had manipulated my sister and I against my Dad and Cindy. She would tell us the divorce was all his Cindy's fault. Say hateful things about her and my Dad. All the while she would use the child support money he sent to go out drinking leaving me to watch my sister. Cathy has attempted to work her way back into my life a couple of times, offering to buy me a computer, a car, and other expensive items. All of which I turned down.
So anyway, what does all this have to do with fearing abandonment in a relationship? Hell if I know! Maybe a shrink could tell me, but at the moment I'm not sure if I'm ready to explore my relationship with Cathy that deep. What I do know is that my fear of abandonment stems pretty directly from how my last two long term relationships ended. The first one was with K, she was an artist from the east coast who intrigued me with her mystery and a aura of danger. I moved to Venice Beach with her and we had an art gallery there with another couple. In the end she had an affair on me and we split, this set in motion events that lead to my drug addict year were I had a pretty bad crack problem. When I hit bottom I was faced with the prospect of living on the streets in Venice and that forced me to go cold turkey and quit.
The second was with S, we were together for 10 years and married for 7. What attracted me to her was her kindness and her innocence. In the lines of the Peter Gabriel song 'Red Rain', 'I came to you defenses down, with the trust of a child'. Maybe I was seeking some sort of redemption through her, maybe I hope to recapture my innocence through her. All I remember is she came into my life when I was not looking for a relationship and filled a void I did not know existed. The reasons of that breakup are much more complex and truly deserve their own entry. But to simplify it her relationship with her friend M was more important then her relationship with me. This drove me to find other uses for my time, which included a three year addiction to EQ. In the end she stated she no longer loved me and we split. We are still friends and communicate on a semi-regular basis (a few times a month).
With both these relationships I went through a deep depression afterwards. When my marriage ended I did not fall back into drugs at least, though for a time my EQ habit was worse then ever. Now that I have come out the other side of all this I find myself hesitant to give myself fully to a relationship. If I see my partner is growing too close I pull away. If I fear they are going to leave, I move first and break it off. I really do want to feel that feeling that only comes when two souls are one. But I think I'm afraid of opening up that fully anymore. Hopefully if/when the right person comes along I will know it in time to take that chance a third time.
What I'm reading:
The Same book as last time...
What I'm listening to:
NPR
Movie recommendation of the day:
Fellowship of the Ring, special edition DVD (just got it today, woohoo!)
